365 (Days Without You)
by Questic
Summary: Ran is left heartbroken after Shinichi has used cruelty to cut her from his life. Left to cope with the pain alone, she decides to write him letters to try and get all that she is feeling out.
1. Day 1

Detective Conan and all characters are the intellectual property of Gosho Aoyama.

* * *

Shinichi,

It hurts so badly. Losing you like this feels like I've lost all of my air. I can't breathe; I don't want to anyways. My lungs hurt from the gasps I've made trying to bring air in. My eyes are sore, yet I still cry with no tears left to come out.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I just tossed and turned, each time I tried to calm my mind I could think of nothing else than the words that you typed to me. All I could do was cling to myself, trying to keep the pieces of me from coming apart. I'm thankful for the dark curtains I have...it meant that I couldn't tell when the sun actually came up.

I feel lost. When I shut my eyes, I see you so clearly. Did it hurt you when you heard me cry in pain? Or did it just not phase you in the least bit? And why, why did you do it? Is there something so wrong with me? I just feel so empty now. You are a piece of me that promised to always be here beside me. Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do with the part of my mind that you've left empty.

I can't help but to wonder if you even understand how badly you hurt me. I care for you so much and I thought, from the words that you've said to me, that you felt the same. If you did, then how could you shut your feelings off so easily? Did you lie to me? Was it all just some stupid game for your enjoyment? Is it what you decided to do in your down time between cases? Did you only tell me that you cared about me out of pity, knowing that I cared for you as much as I did and at the time you didn't want to hurt me by telling me how you really felt? You owe me so many answers, and I don't even know where I would want you to start.

My phone has been so silent today. I had gotten so use to the sound of it going off that the lack of noise seems deafening. I don't know what to do without being able to talk to you. You are one of my closest friends, whether you know that or not. We've known each other for so long, and even when I thought I hated you, I never did. There were hundreds of times that I wanted to walk away, and I should have walked away, but I thought you needed me as much as I needed you.

I didn't think a pain like this was possible. I was so foolish to believe that you would be here forever. Forever is such a long time, and doubted your words deep down. You said forever, but I guess forever is here now.

Right now, the thoughts I'm having are racing so quickly and I just can't make sense of any of it. I don't want to be going around in circles, and I can barely see straight to begin with. Maybe I will be able to sleep at some point today...I'm sure it would help to clear my head.

Please come back to me soon.

~Ran


	2. Day 2

Shinichi

I know that it's only been two days, but it feels like it's been forever since we spoke. When I close my eyes, I can hear your voice perfectly, so confident and sure of yourself. I miss hearing it, even if it was full of arrogance because your deductions always being right. Even if you were to call and yell at me and making me feel awful, I would take it just because it means talking to you.

I'm still crying constantly, and I've barely gotten out of bed. I had no idea that it was possible to cry this much and still have enough fluid in me to keep going. My nose is raw and I have been through so many boxed of tissues that it's been disgusting. It just keeps coming and as much as I want it to stop I can't. All I do is think about what I did wrong to drive you away like this.

Food doesn't seem appealing, so I haven't been eating. Dad got angry because I haven't been cooking, but when he looked in on me and saw me, a puddle of despair, he just walked away. I don't think he knows how to deal with a crying teenage girl. It's not like I can blame him; I don't know how the hell to even deal with me right now. I feel completely pathetic. Even if you would talk to me, you would just walk away from me again.

I keep thinking that the words you said to me were just a bad dream. It was so cold and callous of you. I was nothing but honest with you, and you used it against me. I've cared for you for so long, and you seemed like you were so naive. I tried to give you hints, but for someone so smart you just never caught on. I regret being so honest with you.

Sonoko has called a few times, and texted even more. I haven't told her what has happened yet. She will probably just tell me what a jerk you have always been and that I shouldn't be upset losing you. She would tell me that you werent worth my time, and that I should have just let you go ages ago when you first left. She would tell me that I was too good for you. I know this is what she would say, and I don't want to hear it; I don't believe it.

What are you feeling at this point, Shinichi? What drove you to say all of those horrible things to me? Am I so unworthy of being cared about that you would tell me that I should be alone? How could you go from telling me that I can rely on you and you'd never let me leave, no matter how hard I tried, to make you to saying that you're done? What did I do wrong to make you change so suddenly? Is it something wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me...

~Ran


	3. Day 7

Shinichi,

This week has been absolutely terrible. Nothing good has happened, mostly because I lost you. I couldn't bring myself to go to school. I knew that everyone would be happy and going on about their lives as though everything was the same, but it won't ever be the same for me. I couldn't bring myself to be around such laughter and joy when it feels like a part of me has died.

For the most part, I've spent the time in my room, not bothering to turn lights on as the sun faded into night. Moving hurts, and the dark suits my mood well. It's easier to block reality out if I can't see anything. Dark hasn't always been my favorite thing, but there's nothing in the dark that could hurt me. You made sure that there was nothing left to hurt anyways.

Conan-kun has checked on me a few times, but I didn't answer him. I haven't talked to anyone. if I could help it. He left food for me one time, and I ate a little, but it was disgusting; not because he can't cook, just because I have no appetite. I'm living on water, and not much of that even. I have no desire to consume anything, even if I can feel that my body decaying. All I want is for the pain you caused to go away. I want you to come back and take it away for me.

While Dad and Conan-kun have been respectful in allowing me to wallow in the pools of my sadness and despair, Sonoko has not. She keeps calling me, even though I wont answer. Just a few days ago she forced her way in to see me. She opened the curtain and I swear I pulled back and hissed at her as I tried to hide from the light. I just don't want to talk...least of all about everything that's going on. She didn't ask though, however she did throw me into the shower saying that it would help make me feel better. It didn't...it just made me soggy.

She did sit and just talk to me after. It was nothing about how terrible you are though. She told me how the people at school were worried about me, and what had been going on. She filled me in on all of the gossip that I had missed, and not once cared that I wasn't participating in the conversation. It was nice to hear someones voice other than the one screaming in pain that had developed in my head...that one just liked to remind me of how alone I am.

There was on thing she got me to say. I had to promise that I would go back to school next week, which I'll keep my promise about. These four walls have become so familiar that if I don't leave, I might never again.

Sonoko is going to make me go to the beach soon to enjoy the sunlight, and to pick out boys that she would be with if it wasn't for Kyogoku-san. She always likes to look and not touch, but I've never understood that because I've only ever had eyes for you... Anyways, I don't think that it will help me feel better, but the sun could feel nice.

~Ran


	4. Day 16

Shinichi,

It's not better. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. I feel hopeless. It has been such a short amount of time, and I just want to feel better now. How am I going to keep going if it hurts right now just as much as it did when you walked away from me? I didn't know how truly alone I could feel without you in my life.

Even if I haven't been seeing you often, I knew that you would always be there for me. It was an emotional security blanket that I didn't even know I relied on until it was take away from me. Why did you have to take it like that? You tore it from my hands and destroyed it, leaving me with nothing to protect myself from the elements of the world. I don't want to be cold like this.

I don't know how to act right now. I feel like I'm more upset than I should be. You and I were just friends, even though I thought it could have been more. We acted like it had been more so often, but that's the downfall of being young and stupid, right?

I can't stop thinking about you, and it all hurts. This mental pain seems to be spreading through my whole body, making me ache. And I'm confused, and I feel crazy, and I just want to run away. You promised so much, even if the words never actually came out of you. Just...I'm broken. Who wants to be around someone that is broken?

Why can't this just stop!? I want things to go back. Can't we just go back a month? Then I can try and do something, anything different to keep you around. Was it me being too clingy? I didn't think that trying to talk to you was clingy...I actually thought that you liked it. Why couldn't you have just been honest with me and let me know that something I was doing was wrong? I could have changed it...I would have changed anything you had wanted just to keep you for another day.

I won't tell anyone how I feel, ever..not even my friends. They wouldn't understand, and I don't want them to worry about me. It's not them I want to know how I feel anyways. Even you, I want you to hear all of this, but I don't want your sympathy, or your pity; I just want you to understand how I feel. Emotions, especially when it comes to anything that has to do with the heart, have never, ever been something that you could relate to. Maybe you'll get it if someone explains it completely to you. On that day, maybe you'll come back to me.

~Ran


	5. Day 30

Shinichi,

A month...how have I survived a month? I still cry in the dark for you...For so long I've looked at myself as strong. I'm athletic, great at karate, yet right now I am so weak. How am I suppose to fight something that I can't see? No one can fight a feeling. If I could, I would have gladly fought off the feelings I had for you at this point and not have to deal with this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and depression.

I'm trying my hardest to act normal again. I've got Dad fooled, but that might be it. Our classmates don't exactly know what is wrong with me. I wanted to tell them that I lost a family member, but then I feel creepy about feeling this way and calling it a family member, even if it's not. It's all weird and complicated and...I don't know how to describe it.

Conan's been keeping away from me...which is fine with me. I see you every time I look at him. His eyes and demeanor are so similar to you. He says hi to me when were near each other, but not much besides that. He goes out with dad a lot. It makes me feel better knowing that they are watching each other.

Sonoko is acting normal, but I think that's more to help me move on. She doesn't mention your name, nor has she asked about you or what happened. She hasn't made any attempt to make me talk about you at all, and I don't think I could be any more grateful.

She's been being such a good friend. Every day she's been getting me involved in something and keeping me busy. There have been different classes that she has dragged me to, and she goes with me to karate to make sure that I am _actually _going. She volunteered me to act with her again too, well more act _for_ her. There's also the chance that she's not meaning to be trying to keep me busy and that shes just being herself...I'm not sure.

It's because of her that I continue to live in the now, even though I would rather stay in the memories of you. Sera-chan came to the beach with us, and we all went shopping together too. They both joke and keep me company, and for a time that's all I know. I lose myself in their company and kindness. My days have been full of their smiles...but just my days.

Every night I dream of you, and I hurt the same over and over. I can try my hardest to not think about you during the day, and letting my friends and life distract me, but at night my subconscious still wants you. My mind wants you so badly that I wake in silent tears. How am I suppose to even try to move on with you constantly on my mind? You're a part of me that's so integral...I guess my mind is just a mess like the rest of my life right now.

I hope you come back to me...

~Ran


	6. Day 45

Shinichi,

I'm torn between being angry and hurt. I keep thinking about the last time we talked to each other. You made it my fault. You hurt me so badly and I can't help but wonder what I did so wrong that you felt I deserved what you said to me. I just keep thinking the same things over and over. Maybe it's that there's something so wrong with me. Have you only called me and texted me and met up with me all this time because you felt bad for me? I never asked for your fucking sympathy!

I feel like I'm going crazy, and it's all your fault. Clearly my emotions were just a game to you. I was the greatest mystery you had. You got the challenge of figuring out how to get me to fall for you, then how to pull my strings and let you act like you care about me. I must have been the ultimate game for you. Well, I hope that it was worth hurting me the way you did.

It's incredible the lengths to which you went through to make me believe your lies. You told me you cared when you could have just let me leave, but that would have ended this too soon for you. Instead, you decide to keep it alive. I hate you for what you said in London and keeping me thinking that maybe some day you would come back to me. If you had no intention of it, you should have just let me walk away! Then I wouldn't have sat here thinking about how much you care for me and thinking there was hope just to be let down.

I've started to have terrible thoughts. I have been trying so hard to fight against these thoughts. It's just...I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm scared to tell anyone about it. It's seems a bit like I'm actually going crazy. I don't want to live without you...I don't know if I know how to live without you. I am so lost. Mr. Great Detective, where are you to help me solve this mystery? This time, you created it and ran away.

Every time I think that I've gotten my emotions straightened out, you come washing into my brain, creating a path of emotional destruction that I can't get away from. Love, hate, anger, despair; you're making me feel them all. There's only so many feelings one person can have before they give up and shutting down. I don't want to shut down again. I want to be able to dig myself out of this hole that you put me in and find light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't blame you for everything that happened, though. I made a huge mistake when it came to you; I trusted you.

~Ran


	7. Day 56

Shinichi,

It's so warm out here...is it warm where you are? I wish I knew what you were doing, and where you are right now. Is it just as warm for you? Or maybe you're colder...kinda like your heart. I bet nothing could really seem that cold though.

Everyone is back to actually being normal, except me. Dad is happy because he sees me smiling again, though it's not a real smile, just a mask to help make people not worry as much. He's back to his happy drinking and getting a bit uppity when I haven't made dinner on time, and I just smile and sigh, telling him that hes embarrassing. I know I was worrying him, and I'm trying to keep that from happening, even if its fake.

Little Conan-kun had been keeping his space from me, but I'm okay with it. His eyes remind me so much of you, and so does his personality. I hate that I don't want anything to do with him right now because of what you've done. At least he seems upset for me. He cares for me far more than you appear to. I think if he was to ask me what was wrong I would just shut down more. As much as I want comfort, I don't want it to be from anyone that reminds me of you, unless it is from you, does that make sense?

Sonoko has stopped trying to force socialization on me, which I am grateful for. I've been continuing my normal life, though it feels like I am just going through the motions. My life is moving around me, pulling me with it. I'm an unwilling participant in the story of my own life right now, and I just want this part of my story to be over.

Dad got invited to some sort of case this weekend. He's taking Conan with him, and wanted to take me too, but I'm going to sit this one out. I can tell that they really want me to get out of the house, but there's so much here for me to do. I've been neglecting the house work while I've been upset, and by staying home I can at least tell myself that I am going to clean when in reality I plan to lay in bed pretending that everything is okay.

I shut my eyes and I think about you. I don't want to any more...but at the same time I do want to. I want to keep you forever...I wanted you to keep me forever.

~Ran


	8. Day 73

Shinichi,

It doesn't feel like time has passed, and yet I know it has. I'm starting to get back to my normal routine. It's not as much of a chore to get up in the morning and be alive. For awhile, I wasn't living, at least not in the formal sense of the word. I was a ghost in my own skin. I could see the the world moving, my legs bringing me places, but I wasn't living. I have been just going through the motions, and not being a part of the world around me. I want to be part of the world again, I think.

I'm still not feeling anything. I'm kinda numb to emotions, but I'm aware of my surroundings and what's happening. My brain still won't process what happened, but I'm just going to not think about it if I can help it...but right now I can't help it. I've tried to take my frustrations about you out during karate, but it didn't help. I held back tears from the pent up emotions that have been racing through me. I miss you, and hate you, and love you, and want to see you and never want to talk to your stupid face again. If I keep feeling all of these emotions at once I'm going to explode. When I put it this way, I guess it's not that I feel nothing, but I feel it all at once and don't know what to do with it.

No matter what I do, I can feel you everywhere. Even without thinking about it, I can feel you in my bones. You seem to run through my veins like my blood, like some sort of drug, or maybe some type of disease. I'd like to believe that you are the latter of those two. It means that I'm less dependent on you and more like I'm stuck with the sickness that is you. I wonder how many other woman you have infected...do you even know anymore? And at least if you are a disease, there can be an antidote, right? There has to be some cure to you.

Can we maybe go back in time? Not even just before this happened, but can we go back to when we were little? Can we just go back to a time when there was no emotions like this involved in our life at all? It was a time when if I cried it was because my feelings were hurt by the others being mean to me, and you stick up for me. Back in those days, you were a little know-it-all that wasn't able to relate to the children your age, but I always was there for you, even if no one else would be. I miss those days.

I was thinking about maybe getting away for a while. Taking a weekend to just me...and Sonoko of course, but that's only because I don't think that dad would let me go on my own. I want a change of scenery; a place where I don't have something to remind me of you. There has to be something, anything, that I can do to make this easier, except there's no was to not think about you when trying to _not _think about you_._ I always go back to wondering if this is as hard on you as it is on me. I wish I knew the answer...I wish you could just tell me the answer...

~Ran


	9. Day 97

Shinichi,

The days are so warm right now that I've started to take walks down the roads that we would travel together, only now I am alone. I've decided that I can't stop doing the things I love because we use to do them together. It's not fair to me that I give up everything I care about because we use to care about it together. I've been picking myself up little by little, toeing the waters of our past to see how deep I can get before I drown. So far, I think I've been treading the waters pretty well.

I took the kids to the water park the other day. It was nice to hear their laughter. It was warm, and I felt it in my heart. Little Conan even seemed more at ease around me when he had his friends there with him. I think that maybe he could sense how much I was pulling away, and that it might have been hurting him. He seemed so happy to see me smiling again, and it was real smiles. It's been so long since I smiled like that...it actually kinda hurt to do it.

Sonoko came with us, and I could see a change in her face. I hadn't been fooling her at all. I could see tension in her face melt away that neither of us seemed to be aware of. The black cloud that I have been has just been raining on everyone's parade. I don't want to be the reason why everyone in my life is miserable. I could sit here and blame you for it, saying that if you hadn't made me feel this way that it wouldn't have spread do them, but that would be a lie. They could care less that you were gone, just that I was.

While I was so concerned about the pain I was feeling, I didn't even think for a second how it was hurting the other people I love; the ones that loved me enough to stay. I've been crying about how unfair it was for you to leave the way you did, but I was doing the same thing. The only difference was that I was physically there with the people who cared about me.

Sometimes I sit and think about this. I think about how much it is hurting the people around me, and how terrible it makes me feel. Is there any chance that you feel that way too? That maybe, just maybe, you really could be in pain? And maybe you do think about me when you're trying to sleep at night...

I clearly do still think about you, a lot. The difference right now is that I am trying to not let you in too far into my thoughts. I don't want to feel this way, but you've made this much of an impression on me. You've managed to form your own space inside of my head, and I still haven't figured out the way to get you out. I really wish I had been able to verbalize these feelings sooner, because maybe then you would have stayed.

~Ran


End file.
